A Lockdown Story
By: Onyeanakwe Isioma
When the lockdown started, at first I was not bothered. I had not done much research on the pandemic, so I saw it as something that would come and go before long,
As time went by, I started to panic, what was going to happen? When will this whole Coronavirus saga come to an end? Then and only then did I realize it was more serious than I had earlier thought. Depression started to set in for real. I felt at a point like I was going to die. Seized by fear and doubt, I worried about a whole lot of things. I would just start crying for no reason. I knew I was on a downward spiral. I couldn’t focus on anything. And then, God told me to take a deep breath.
Afterwards, it changed to mood swing. Happy today, sad tomorrow. Nice today, annoying tomorrow. It felt like my hands were tied, I felt stagnant, it was not a good feeling at all. I felt useless because I ran out of ideas, nothing to do. It just seemed like I had to be busy, even if it meant busy doing nothing. I just had to be busy. I was restless, always on the go, not even knowing where I was going. The lockdown period was a terrible one for me at first.
And then, all of a sudden things changed. I did not want to rot with worry and anxiety anymore. And I was tired of the rut I was in, something just had to give. I had to fight off this thing. I determined that everyday, I had to do something I had not done before. I was on the road to being better and I did not want the journey to end. I started signing up for online classes, taking all I could, taking them all in, one after the other. I wanted to be busy like I felt everyone else was and so I was signing up for free online classes, those I was interested in and those I thought I was interested in.
I stepped all out and nothing was going to stop me. Then it hit me in the face! You know what happens when you try to fit in your mouth more than you can chew? Force down your throat more morsels of food than you should. You choke!
The problem was not signing up for the classes but staying in them. It was funny how I was finding it difficult to keep up with them. I will start with one, drop that one and move to another, I had so many unfinished courses. How could I finish them when I had misplaced priorities? I was not committed to anything, slowly, I was hitting rock bottom. Sadly, I went back to square one, exactly the point where I started.
And then, I had to go back to God for Him to help me. Because it seemed like I was losing it. He told me I needed to calm down, the world was not going anywhere and time was not “flying” like I was thinking. Everything was going at the pace He wanted, I was alright. He made me understand that I was not a failure because I wasn’t doing anything, I had to relax so I don’t breakdown. I took His advice and I calmed down. I had to learn that because others were busy making things happen does not mean I was less. When He gives me the idea, then will be the time to run with it. And so, I relaxed enough, and noticed an iota of sanity. I sat still and started thinking only right thoughts And when negativity tried to force it’s way inside me, I did all I could to make it stay at the door of my life. Stayed so long that it got tired and went back to where it came from.
Sometimes, when it succeeds and gets in, I just try all I can until I force it out. It is a struggle.
The lockdown was a struggling time for me until I listened, sat back, took a deep breath and calmed down. That was when my best results started showing. I could think straight and bring to life projects in my head.
These days, before I go online or to any of the social media platforms, I give myself a pep talk. I tell myself, “Isioma, when you get ‘there’, you will see people that have achieved a lot during this period. Do not feel like you don’t have it in you. Celebrate them, take your life one step at a time and see the plans God has for you taking form” and it works. Big time!
The lockdown helped me realize I could be busy and not achieving anything because I was going at it with the wrong mindset. The lockdown helped me realize the value of taking a pause and thinking right. It gave me the opportunity to draw closer to God and the reward is mind blowing. I have peace of mind, the one I will not trade for anything. Some days, I don’t do anything but my positive mindset keeps me going. I know I will have bad days sometimes but I will not let the days end that way. They can start bad all they want, but they sure will not end bad, I won’t let them. My name is Isioma and this is my lockdown story.
A Note From Eden: Dear Issy,
Firstly, I am sending multiple virtual hugs to you right now. I do this a lot when I’m short of words, and that’s exactly how your story made me feel. Amazing. You’re simply a Superwoman. – This, is, only but the least description of you. My hand quivered after I read your story. How you shine so much light in the lives of others is inexplicable. Because you do this even during the darkest moments of your life. You should know the magnitude of your essence already! You ain’t just an element of the sky. You are the whole of it.
They say joy comes in the morning, but my dear Queen, you no longer have to wait, because YOU ARE THE MORNING. Sooner than you expect, your life will become a display of the brightness it carries. And when the darkness ever seems to come, release your brightest smile, you’ll find the nights were only shadows. I Love You, Sis! Thanks for sharing your truth with us at Express-Shun. The world is dark enough. Continue to shine the light that you are.